Is it possible that “What you don’t know, won’t hurt you?”

What you don't know won't hurt you!!!!

Do you prescribe to the notion that if you do something and your significant other doesn't know of it, it's cool? The idea that if you are in the clear and if you can live with it, everything will be fine? There have been many discussions or shall I say arguments on this topic, one of my friends says it's ok to cheat as long as it's done discreetly and if your mate doesn't find out about it, my other friend is very adamant that this is clearly not acceptable. I'm writing on this because one of my old colleagues called me to ask me for my advice on the subject, he said that he is in a committed relationship and has been for the past 4 years, he and his girlfriend do not live together but lately she has been talking more and more about them moving in together. His dilemma is that for the past year he has been secretly seeing someone else and it's purely sexual, he doesn't love this woman, he does not want anything other than sex and he does not want to leave his current girlfriend. So I asked him why he considered himself to be in a committed relationship when it's obvious that he's not, his answer is that he is in love with his girlfriend and only her and that the other relationship is purely physical. So I asked him why was he seeing the other woman on the side, was it something that she was doing that his girlfriend wouldn't do? His answer was no, sex with his girlfriend was great and that she was a wonderful person! So I asked him why if he loved his girlfriend would he carry on with this other woman? He said it was the excitement of it, being able to move and sneak around, and to have something just only he knew, something that was totally his. And his words were, what she doesn't know won't hurt her! Those words made me feel a certain kind of way, made me review my past relationships wondering; hmmmm were my exes that slick and if they were stepping out, do I appreciate the fact that they were discreet? A lot of people say that they wouldn't knowingly stay in a relationship where they have knowledge that their mate is cheating, but what do you do when you don't know? I asked a few of my other friends and they said, they would want to know and of course everybody would or so I thought. There are many people who said that they would not want to know, that if their mates were cleaver enough to hide or keep their liaisons away from them, what they don't know won't hurt them; many took it as respect. I asked my old colleague how he would feel if his girlfriend would have been the one to carry on a year-long affair? He said he would be highly pissed and that he would end the relationship immediately, so I then asked him, what he wanted from me. He wanted to know how I would feel and if I would want to know, he wanted to know if I would leave my man if I were in the same predicament. I felt he asked all the wrong questions, his girlfriend and I are two totally different beings, so I tried to lead him down another path of questioning, you should be wondering how your girlfriend would feel, the two of you have been together for four years, do you think she would want to know? How do you feel she would react? And will you be able to handle it when she tells you that she is doing the same? These are the questions that I felt he should be asking. I told him that his actions were those of betrayal and that if he loved this woman than she deserved better. I asked him if he could live with the fact that he was laying with another woman and then laying with her as well, and to expect the worst but hope for the best.

The following week he called and said he had decided that he would no longer see this other woman and that he felt horrible and that he "might" confess, so my question still stands, "Is it better to know or not know?" Do you feel that what you don't know won't hurt you?

Girlfriends and Friendship: What does it really mean?

What does the word friendship mean to you? I often think about my friends and say “WOW”, I have really got some great people in my life and I am very thankful! My friends are loving, forgiving, hard-working, generous, kind, respectful and fun. The thing about me and my friends is that I know them and they know me, good or bad we are in this together and we are life-long friends. I accept them for who they are, I respect their decisions and life choices, I don’t expect them to have the same views as me or like the same things as I do, I accept their flaws as well as they accept mine. I don’t expect them to be perfect because I’m far from that… but I do expect loyalty, love and respect.

What type of friend are you? The answer to this question I think will define the type of men and women you have in your circle, being a friend means more than what you are getting out of the relationship, what are you putting into it. I would like to think that my friends see me as loyal, straight-shooting, fun, someone who listens as well as gives my input. I would like to think that they see my love for them as pure and not someone who is looking for an edge. I will support my friends, uplift them and make sure they hear all that they need to hear. I won’t tell you what you want to hear but hopefully I can make it better for them to hear. I’ll be there for my friends when they need to go out and shake a leg or to kneel down and pray! That’s me I’m there. I’m the type of friend that will hold you down, I’m not jealous, or boisterous, I don’t try to make my friends feel bad because I live a certain lifestyle and they do not. I won’t be the type of friend that will see your man out with someone and turn my head as though I never saw a thing, I will walk up to him and say hello with my phone in my hand and smile at the bastard as he shakes his head because he knows I’m about to call you. I won’t turn a blind eye when I see you hurting as you try and try to make this man see how wonderful of a person you are and no matter what you try he does not notice. I’ll tell you how special you are, how crazy you look and that you need to readjust your tactics.


Girlfriends talk and basically tell each other everything, this such a natural phenomenon that it's never second guessed. I appreciate a great dialogue between friends or even a hot debate, it gets the juices boiling and the mind stimulated. I have great friends, we all come with flaws and I would like to think that we are all accepting or at least tolerable when it comes to these flaws, we are of course friends. I writing this particular blog because I'm on a fact finding mission! If we are friends what is it that you feel you can't say to me? What is your intent or purpose? Being a friend isn't all about the parties, drinks and fun, it's also about the hurt, the bad decisions, getting scolded because we know we were dead wrong, it's about helping her hold her head even after the man she loves has tried to rob her of her dignity and self-worth. With all friendships comes lessons, we as people were not made perfect so how do we expect there to be perfect relationships, whether it's your girlfriend of 20 years or man of 2 years. When I consider myself in a friendship with a person, to me it's sort of like adoption, we don't have the same blood but I love you regardless. If you are my friend I am not malicious with you but I am very direct, I am loyal and will defend you to the end. It might be a different story when you and I are alone and can talk about what happen because if you were wrong, you need to acknowledge it, fix it and move on...that's growth. I'm not too proud to admit when I'm wrong. Will I feel a certain way because you bring it to my attention, maybe...that's natural but I consider myself mature enough to say OK, I was wrong and face it because I don't know everything...I'm a forever student of this world and life lessons as we all should be..
A friend is someone who will reel me in when I've gone too far out and I don't realize it. A friend will tell me, girl we gonna work it out, don't stress yourself. A friend will tell me when I'm being selfish, foolish, crazy or just out of control. A friend will not placate things by telling me that the bullshit that I have been doing is OK and they see that it's hurting me, what kind of friend is that. I don't need people in my life to tell me the things I want to hear all the time doing me a disservice, please if you are my friend you tell me what I NEED to hear because often times I might not be aware of those things.
As a friend am I responsible for your actions while you are under the influence? No not entirely responsible but because I know you are not functioning as you would otherwise, I'm gonna have your back, if this means me telling you certain things about yourself then so be it. What is it about the truth that hurts you so much? If it's the truth, take it in...maybe not right then but later, think about it, deal with it and move on. As a friend I'm not there to embarrass or hurt you, as a friend I'm there to make sure you are good!
Friends complement one another, where I am weak, you are strong and vice-versa. Where my words maybe come off a little rough, I have friends to say to me, Uh- don't say it like that...try this. Where they may need a little push to do something, I'm right there. If you now me then you know I'm always loyal, always truthful and always trying to help. I'm stubborn, spoiled and I have my crazy ways, I may talk too much, drink too much, curse you out but I never let it get in the way of friendship. We may not agree on everything and that's OK we aren't suppose too...I don't like negative Nancy's in my circle. I don't want naysayers around me. I don't want people who are jealous or envious of those that love them and can't see the truth because the are scared to face it. At the age that I am now, there are certain things that I won't allow around me.
If you want someone that will tell you what you wanna hear by all means find that person...you just won't find her here.

With that being said: to all my friends thank you for allowing me to be me and loving me in spite of myself.
Peace..

Feel free to disagree or agree, voice your concern or comments...just Get In & Stay In!!!

Let's Talk Heels!!!

So let’s talk heels!

First let me say: HEELS ARE HOT!!!

TO HEEL OR NOT TO HEEL? That is the question!

On Thursday my cousin Yani and I went to have a drink in Va Beach, cute little bar now mind you, we were hitting the town for some fun, and a little flirting nothing too big. So we got all dolled up, cute short dresses and 5 inch heels. We had our lip gloss on, hair was curled and we were ready. We got to the bar and nearly all the women in there had on either sneakers or flip flops, URRRGGGGG!!!! Now this really bugs the hell out of me, so when we walked in and it looks like we just walked the red carpet of the biggest affair in town, and yes all eyes are on us. The men looked like they hadn’t seen women in years and the women well they were just like damn! We sat right at the bar and did our thang!
1st to the women in the bar, you knew you were going out, you should have dressed appropriately. 2nd, Men love women in heels…so let that be a lesson to you! If you are dressed boring and blah, then don’t expect much from your night!
Ladies do you think it’s ok to wear sneakers or flip flops on a date? Hopefully your answer is NO! Depending on what type of date it is you should already know what to wear, of course you’re not going to wear heels if you are going camping, or too the park but always keep a pair of heels for later he might surprise you with dinner at a nice place and you want to always be on point!
Now there has been a big debate on when and where to wear heels and for how long? I say wear them all the time, everywhere and for as long as your feet can handle it! There is nothing sexier than a woman in heels! They just complete the outfit; I feel my sexiest in a pair of jeans, a wife beater and a pair of strappy 5inch heels. Women enjoy your femininity and work those heels! I know you’re gonna say that they hurt your feet if you stand in heels all day or wear them out to the clubs and dance all night well, “Are you gel-ing?” Get yourself a pair of insoles gels from Dr. Sholl’s and that will solve that. Also stop buying shoes that hurt your feet, invest in a great pair of shoes that will last, when I buy shoes they have to be comfortable first above all else, you cannot be sexy if you are walking like you have nails in your feet. Cute shoes and ugly feet are not what’s good. So make sure that you have a pedicure and if you can’t afford a pedicure, here’s a simple solution:
1. Soak your feet
2. Remove all old polish
3. Cut and clean you’re your toenails
4. Lotion your feet well
5. Take a cotton ball and wipe the surface of your nail beds with either nail polish remover or alcohol.
6. Pick out a cute color, use a clear base paint and polish your toenails…and you are ready to slip inside some nice open toe heels.
Take the time to find the right size and try them on, walk around in the store and jump in them just to make sure they are going to be the best for you. Platforms are sexy and they are comfortable they support your arch and at the end of the night your feet will be fine, you can actually run in those shoes. There is nothing more disappointing for a man than to pick up his lady for a hot night on the town and she shows up in some damn flats or the worst; sneakers, that’s right ladies…no sneakers on dates…men want to see you in those heels.
I am 5ft 10.5 inches tall and I love to wear heels, the taller the better, I love the way they transform a regular outfit to POW!!!! How many of you pick your outfit according to the shoes you are wearing when you are hitting the town with your girls, or going on a hot date?!!! Shoes can make or break your whole get up, true story. Your hair can be flawless, make-up flawless; outfit banging and get down to the shoes and the heels are run over….that will make you go from 10 to 0 in 3 seconds flat. Don’t let the right person catch you in the wrong shoes!
Heels are advantageous if used properly, being sexy goes farther than just being pretty. So I will say it again: There is nothing sexier than a woman in heels, men love it! The things a sexy pair of heels will make a man do. Usher said it best, “I bet ya didn’t know that I be watching, when ya putting your heels on?”
So maybe not all men feel this way, some may not care what you have on your feet but I bet those same men would sit up and take notice if you did put on some heels instead of sneakers or flats…just try it…and if you are not use to heels, practice, practice and practice some more.

So ladies ….Get your heels on!!!

My 5 Reasons why Men are Single:

Hello my brothers out there, just like my sisters you too are feeling the pressures of the single life, and although most people think men love being single, I have come in contact with countless men who would love to meet a potential mate and settle down. And after listening to you guys complain about how there are no worthy women out there and we both know that’s not true, this country is booming with beautiful, sexy, talented, educated, vibrant, ready, available, nurturing and very loving women. So you say to yourself, why can’t I meet the right person or why can’t I keep a girl? I’ll be the firsts to say that there are a multitude of reasons why, there is no right or wrong reason, just a compilation of both or like my friend Jen would say, “Girl this is trial and error!” And I agree so with that being said here is my 1st of 5 reasons why you too are living that dreadful “Single Life”. Enjoy and maybe we both can learn something, please feel free to comment or ask whatever you like…… Red
Reason #1
Cocky but lack CONFIDENCE Phase:
So you think it’s all about you? You got it going on, you’ve got every angle covered? You’re driving the latest luxury car, you got your own place, great job, side hustle, and you got the looks of Denzel, Tyrese, Shamar, Morris or Boris. Yeah, you can get girls, but you still don’t have THAT one that makes you go DAYUM!!! You see her walking down the street, in the grocery store, in the bar or at a cookout, there she goes, DAYUM she’s fine and all you do is stand there with your mouth open watch, saying to yourself, “What a brother got to do to get that?” Well I’m here to tell you what you have to do, step up, say hello and smile. Brother you got to do that with HELLA confidence, just saying hello won’t get you THAT girl, but having and feeling THAT confidence will. You can be the ugliest man, the poorest man and the not so well-dressed man but if you are sure of yourself then everyone else will be also. Walk with full strong strides, put a little pride in your step, smile and look her right in her eyes and say what you have to say. Don’t worry about getting a NO, so what if she says No, she’ s only one woman and you never know , the next one that sparks your interest may give you a Yes! And for Pete’s sake….stop bragging about what you have and what you do, this is a complete turn off for women; let her discover how wonderful you are. Hint: The more you talk about yourself without showing any interest in her, the more she is only going to hear: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Being too cocky comes off as selfish and women are not interested in selfish men.
Being confident is a very attractive quality to possess and it shows in everything that you do, I have a lot of male friends who started out wanting to pursue me but ended up in the “FRIEND ZONE”, because they lacked a very key element in what they call “HAVIN GAME”, that key element is CONFIDENCE. The majority of them are very handsome, well-groomed, educated, physically stimulating and suitable as a mate but they never displayed that self-confidence that made me want to go YES, he is the man for me!
Do you recognized when you have been placed in the “FRIEND ZONE”?
Men, here is one of the most common comments I hear from women: men won’t approach me! These women are literally begging you to come up to them and say hello. Just because a women is attractive don’t assume that she is already attached, don’t assume that she is stuck up and please don’t underestimate yourself…again, be confident and walk up to her and say hello. Don’t miss out on meeting a great lady just because you aren’t sure of yourself. And even if you get a NO, so what, read her body language and her facial expressions, be persistent BUT NOT A PEST!!! Women love to be chased! Don’t just stand in the bar, or the line in the grocery store making googily eyes at her, even if it’s just a simple hi, let her know that you are interested. Women cannot read your minds and we won’t even try to. Have a sense of humor, make her laugh, put a smile on her face, women love that.
The worst thing for a woman to see is a fine man who doesn’t know who he is or where he is going in life, we as women are tired of the fixer up man. (Now if this doesn’t apply to you, move pass this comment) If about your business then act accordingly, and treat women with respect, show us that mixture of gentlemen and thug that we all so very much want. Show us your inner beauty and strength, make us want you physically, stimulate us mentally, make women want to love the hell out of you….for who you are and not what materials you possess. Uplift her and be supportive, this will go a long way.
This is only one reason why men are still single… remember women are like detectives they are looking at you and trying to read your inner most thoughts at the same time, they can see if you are confident or not, in the way you speak, the way you walk and even in your smile….so step it up brothers and get out there and show some confidence….

5 Reasons Why Women Are Single....

So I just got off the phone with another one of my girlfriends complaining about why she is single. She is beautiful, intelligent, has a great career, fun, sexy and very loyal but she like many other women I know are living what they call the dreadful “Single Life”. So I have decided to write about this topic, after having endless conversations with them, the same topic over and over there has got to be reasons why. I love my girlfriends they are the rainbow coalition of their time coming from all parts of the world, various ages, educational backgrounds, professional fields, some have plenty of money, some are on the come up and some are just getting started, they are all so very different and unique in their own way. The one thing that levels the playing field for them all is Love; finding it and keeping it. I hope that this will help some of them if not all of them understand why some men run, or turn away from love. It only takes a minute to destroy what you’ve took a life time to build.
The questions I get asked the most is: “Why on earth am I still single? Why am I not in a loving and committed relationship? A multitude of things run through my mind as I hear these questions, and then I hear the reasons or excuses of why they feel they are single. Like for example the worst one I’ve heard is, there are no good men left and that is absurd, there are plenty of great men out there but first as a woman take the time to understand what it is you are looking for in a potential mate. Many women do not know what they want but because they believe that men are scarce they are willing to take what they can get. Don’t fall for this, I know there are good men out there, I meet them every day. The key is knowing if they are good for you. We, as women often voice what we feel we want and need in a man but once that man is placed right in front of us we stutter step and the man moves on. Take a second look at the man that passes you by, just because he doesn’t come in the right packaging we were hoping for, doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good man. Stop pre-judging them remember men are just as nervous when it comes to dating as we are. I have come up with 5 of the top reasons why beautiful, educated, successful and loving women are still single, I am doing this in stages, so you can hear what I am saying digest it and hopefully take what you NEED from it and APPLY it to your daily life. All of this may not apply to you but you may be able to use some of it. So read and enjoy and feel free to comment and/or ask questions! Meeting a man is not the problem we meet men every day, it’s the decisions that we tend to make after meeting the man that plays the intricate role as to why we remain single…Ok here it goes:
Reason #1
The Speedy Gonzalez Syndrome:
My biggest annoyance when it comes to women is that they move entirely too fast, and quite basically you scare the hell out of the men who are genuinely interested in you. Women you CANNOT go from meeting a man to him becoming your man ALL in one fast swoop!!! When a man first meets you the first words out of your mouth SHOULD NOT be that you are looking for marriage, this man doesn’t want to hear that much less visualize himself tied down to someone he is just meeting and on a first date with. Keep those thoughts to yourself; you will be able to share them with him in time. When you look too far ahead you miss all the important stuff that goes in between meeting a man and him becoming your man, this part is called learning your man! Get to know your man, there is no reason for you to not know enough about the man you are interested in, talk to him get to know his interest so that you won’t be totally surprise months later. Slow it down so that he can actually see you, allow him to get to know you as well, let him be excited about wanting to learn more about you. Allow him to see your flaws and love you in spite of them. Women let him fall in love with you and not in lust, lust is very easy and it is often misidentified as love. Being physical with a man doesn’t imply that you two are in a committed relationship. You don’t have to be physical with a man unless it is something that you totally want to do and you are ready for the aftermath of it, especially if you haven’t built a foundation before you are intimate with this man. Because once an egg has been scrambled, you can’t unscramble it. Stay focus! Also you don’t have to coerce, force or trick him into a relationship. For the men who are always saying that they are not ready for a committed relationship, then maybe you should let them keep moving, because if he is ready for a physical relationship he needs to be ready for everything else. Don’t allow his tricks and games to draw out a sexual relationship only leaving you emotionally and mentally bruised. Love has no time limits: you cannot say that after 3, 6 or even 9 months that you should be at any particular level in a relationship because this is the getting to know you stages. (I’m not saying that it isn’t totally possible to meet a man and the both of you fall head over heels in love) I’m just saying for those of you who keep bouncing from one relationship to the next, or those of you who might be holding on to the wrong man, this may be a reason why. When women meet men we put them into categories, men do the same thing, what category you fall in will depend upon your actions. It is natural to be excited when meeting someone you feel has all the qualities that you want in a man, but please concentrate on your reaction, don’t allow what you are use too in other relationships determine the outcome of your next relationship. Stop worrying about titles, build a mutual and loving relationship with him and you will be a part of him.
You don’t have to move so fast!!! You will miss out looking so far ahead! Live in the moment! Enjoy It!